‘Swamp Pawn’ was not as bad as I expected it to be. The show is supposed to be about a man living in a Louisiana bayou who runs a wholesale fish business and also a pawn business on the side. But to say it is a show committed to televising the pawning of items as the title implies is like saying that I am going to build a rocket ship and then only lighting a match to watch it burn. During this whole one hour episode, do you know how much time was actually given to a pawned item? A single pawned item?! About 30 seconds!!! 30 short seconds out of a 3600 second long show. I wound up liking the storyline of the featured people and wished them well in their business. However, I think having the word ‘Pawn’ in the title is fraud. They should just call it ‘Swamp People Who Want to be on TV.’
Furthermore, I think television has gone too far with all of these spin-off tv series about the same damn thing. We have one too many shows about stupid pageant parents where the shows border on the brink of child abuse and child exploitation; more dumbass, hot-headed, soulless, gold-digging housewives than you can shake a stick at; and more than enough pawn shows to last a lifetime. But if tv producers insist on making more ‘pawn’ shows, I have a couple of suggestions. (Keep in mind that the majority of the items pawned on pawn shows are sold to the business owner and not actually pawned.)
1) ‘Boob Pawn’ The storyline would consist of strippers pawning their breast implants so they can try to buy back their daddies love.
2) ‘Soul Pawn’ This show would be about talentless, debauched heathens pawning their soul to the devil for a tv show. (*cough cough* examples: The Kardashians, Honey Boo Boo, Bachelor/Bachelorette people, Bridezillas etc *cough cough*)
3) 'Silent Time Pawn' Here some movie patrons would pawn/sell their silence in movies for theater food or gold jewelry.
Now on to ‘My Big Redneck Vacation.’ This of the two was the worst for me. In this episode, the redneck family was driven down to Miami Beach. Oh, those poor Miamians. The Miamians would more likely prefer the swimming Cubans and drug dealers to these out-of-place rednecks. The locals of South Beach probably did not know what hit them when this bunch rolled into town. There were so many awful awkward moments, they were tangible through time and tv. One particularly terrible awkward moment happened while the family was on South Beach. The men decided they would be sly, charming and flirty with a couple of topless women. Instead, the men were dumbstruck, clueless and way out of their league. Watching them try to talk to the sun-bathers was so painful, it made my ta-tas and vajayjay cringe.I am sure this redneck family from Louisiana is super nice and willing to help people who may be in trouble, but for the love of all things great, please get them off tv. We have enough train wrecks (figuratively speaking) in this world that to put them in places and situations that are so incalculably out of their comfort zone is equivalent to rapper Chris Brown to Abusers Anonymous meetings.
Oh tv, you hurt my brain.